2019 is coming to an end and I wanted to make a new blog to show the journey of my new life. Part of that will be processing through the past life and moving on from it to make room for the good. My new life will include literally leaving behind everything I have ever known , to go home. I am getting married and moving to the UK, a place I only visited once, but a place that made me feel more at home than I ever felt in the US. My goal for the year is to make this happen (immigration is a bitch), but also to continue on my path of self improvement. The last couple of years I have been through eating disorder treatment, EMDR (trauma therapy), cut out all the toxic people in my life (every relative), and it’s been a massive improvement on my life. I want a place where I can share the ups and downs of my life.
My goal for this year, the 2020s, and the rest of my life is for me to live deliciously. I want to embrace pleasure. Love deep, laugh my ass off, and living my fucking life.
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My fiance is visiting me at the moment, and it doesn’t matter that we have been together for 2.5 years, I am still not used to how he treats me. I am still not used to his love and affection and kindness. I keep expecting his mask to fall off and he will show his true colors. But he hasn’t. He stays who he has always been. He might do things that bring me back to another time, that is pretty common with sexual partners. Even a hand on the knee sometimes. Then I tell him what is going on in my head and he gives me a hug and we move on. He usually feels guilty, which I tell him not to because he can’t control my reactions to things. But at the same time, I also feel like him feeling guilty is a caring response.
I found my person! I had a feeling she would be good because of where she had worked before. She was the EMDR therapist for an Eating Disorder Intensive Outpatient place, just like the one I went to, just in a different location. She was also the yoga teacher for the ED group. So I had a feeling she would be a good fit, but was never sure. I went to the appointment and she was awesome. She was a sweet heart, very kind and patient, didn’t push anything on me. It was nice. We didn’t even get to the trauma stuff, we just started to create the happy place and used the vibrating hand eggs. It is weird to say, but it’s basically like meditation, tuning into the feeling in your body, and sitting with it rather than running from it. Part of the reason people have PTSD is they never had time to process the trauma.
So yeah, I am finally sitting there and feeling the shit. It worked with one of my memories, so I look forward to it working on the others. I know the process will suck, but it will be worth it. I am not sure why I started working on the timeline at work. It’s annoying. I feel stupid for trying to work on it while at work. I made it to age 19 and had to stop. I will work out. I am going to work on my podcast tonight, under the name Mending Broken Wings. I tried get the URL and its not available for that. So lame.
I need to figure out a better name or figure out a way to spell it for the url. Not sure.
After my last experience with trying to find an EMDR therapist, I was more careful this time. I made sure to ask for one who is secular, LGBT friendly, and body positive. I messaged a few people this morning, more like 10, and actually heard back from one already. I am going to call her after work. The last experience was less than ideal. I only had one appointment with her, and I am very proud of myself for cutting it off early if I knew it wasn’t right. So yay there.
As I am going through my story she made some comments that were red flags. She was very focused on my weight and eating habits, even though I told her I am in recovery for an eating disorder and dieting leads to relapse. She told me I should try a weight loss program. When she realized I also had an auto immune disease that is attacking my thyroid she left me alone. Then she made a comment about my sexuality, that it makes sense why I would “try” women given it didn’t work out too well with men. I tried to explain to her I always liked women, but because of religious indoctrination I thought I would go to hell if I went that way. She asked me my beliefs and I told her I was an atheist. She said she would try to not bring up god (she brought it up several times before) and said “I will just help you with what you need help with and put it in his hands.” So while telling me she wouldn’t bring it up, she brought it up. I am not only atheist, but anti theist. Religion is what kept me a prisoner all those years. Hence why in the email to my new potential therapist I made sure to include al of those important details.
I think I want to document my experience with it and write about what it brings up and what memories we work on. I have been wanting to write a book about my life and maybe doing EMDR and writing about the memories and experience of therapy can help me do that.
I guess we shall see